Picture this: It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re in the thick of it. Couples everywhere, sweaty palms pressed together, staring into each other’s eyes like zombies, leaving trails of annoying little hearts floating above their stupid heads. Every God forsaken aisle in Walmart is a nauseating sea of pink and red. It’s national singles’ awareness day and you have HAD it. STRIKE. BACK. Create your own soiree where NO COUPLES ARE ALLOWED. Who’s in secret society now, lover nazis?
Cupid is Stupid Women’s Shirt
He’s coming for you – that fat, naked, winged, freak-baby is back for his annual attempt at ruining your life. The worst part is, he thinks you actually WANT one of his love poisoned arrows! Rock this Statement Piece Cupid is Stupid Shirt that bears your very blunt feelings about this freaky little emotional terrorist of a deity. Maybe you’ll piss him off enough to where he never points an arrow at you again!
No Kisses Allowed Sticker
It’s your party and you can ban kissing if you want to. As you should, it IS, after all, an anti-Valentine’s Day party! Send the message loud and clear at your V-Day haters getty – there will be zero tolerance for passionate displays of affection of any kind. Only hatred, people. Deep, seething, envy and raw hate.
For your Valentine-loathing soiree, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s pretty and very cliché pink and red roses, no, no, no. You will decorate your party accordingly. Red roses say: “Come right in, Cupid, wreak emotional havoc on me again!” Black roses say “There’s nothing for you here, evil fat baby. Keep it moving.” You decide which message you want to send.
My Heart is Occupied Beer Glass
For the logical thinker, who tells you it’s silly to condemn Valentine’s Day because of your past and that they, perhaps, might be the solution to your lonely woes, *winky face emoji, shut them down in their language; with logic. As you sip your beer in a way reminiscent of Kermit and his own business minding tea, you can let your pint glass do the talking for you. Your heart is occupied. With a very important task, in fact. It’s busy supplying blood to rest of your body.
You are a true Valentine’s Day grinch at heart; the remnants of your soul are a mere pile of cinder, where not even an ounce of compassion or feeling resides. You were once a volatile volcano, erupting with love and passion, only to be reduced to ashes by the cruel snuffer known as heartbreak. Drink Blk water to make a statement about the darkness inside you. Also, drink Blk water because it’s really REALLY good for you. The coloration is due to humic and fulvic acid, a miracle phenol that is known to support brain health, allows the body to pass unwanted toxic substances, and tons of other benefits.
Cards Against Humanity Card Game
For soul-less beings such as yourself and your fellow Valentine’s Day haters who will attend your bittersweet soiree, these cards are the perfect party game. These 550 cards will make you lose all hope in mankind (as if ever you had any). You’ll have so much fun laughing hysterically at the results of each round that you wont have time to mourn lost loves and wonder where you went wrong, leaving you single and bitter on VDay.
Valentine’s Day Themed Surgical Mask
Love is in the air, try not to breath! Love is a toxin you simply can’t afford to inhale, so prep yourself as you go about your day this February 14th. This candy hearts themed surgical mask will filter out all harmful fumes and poisons in the air, letting you inhale the oxygen that you need without having to risk falling in love via breathing. Let’s just hope next year, Cupid doesn’t wise up and disseminate his poison via osmosis. Yikes.
Vodka is My Valentine Stainless Steel Flask
Who’s been there for you through thick and thin, through break ups to make ups, through let downs and wins? Had your back and made you feel better? That’s right, your ride or die, Vodka. You’ll need to be ready and equipped on this dreadful 14th day of February, so gear up with the most important essential that will get you through this day, swig by glorious swig.
DIY Exes Voodoo Doll
You might be single now but it wasn’t always like that. There was a time when you were just like those love crazed zombies in the park, running care-free and oblivious to the impending catastrophic break up about to screw up their lives for a solid 6 months or more. The more you think about it, the more that burning urge to go after your ex with any and every sharp object grows dangerously greater. Do something about it without dealing with a pesky life sentence. Create a voodoo doll for him or her, mangle and maim it, stab it, do as you please! It’s the perfect activity for a night of bittersweet hating and slandering.
Screw Valentine’s Day Piñata
Do like MJ and just BEAT IT. Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. Beat a heart-shaped piñata and all it stands for! Your own heart has taken it’s fair share of beatings, it’s time to dish it back out. Release that anger and fill it with all the chocolate your scarred heart desires because newsflash, you don’t need you a wack boyfriend or girlfriend, you can buy your own damn chocolate!